Looking back

Looking through my cookbook.

Found this meal signed in June.

Now I should be signing October already.

Realized I didn't cook it. 

Or, more accurately, haven't cooked it yet.

I cook one meal at a time. 

I may prepare a lot of meals at once,

but will cook only one.

I think about

less than a year later

when I'm leaving

and starting a new life

it's one life, the same life, I know

but still it's new.

It's pretty hard to believe.

I think about

when I will feel freedom once again.

I don't even remember the feeling of it

because if I try to feel it, 

I will go there

I won't be able to get rid of it again

I will be inundated with spirits of freedom

thoughts of dreaming wild

when in reality 

I have to suppress freedom

and live through the battle now

who know when this battle will be over

I know, but how much more will I suffer

I know this pain will build me

like painting concrete in me

to prepare for the strong winds ahead

but right now it's just too painful.

I want to cry, yell, scream into the night

hoping no one would hear

yet wishing someone would find me

hidden and sobbing in the dark

under this bleak night sky

If I see a star, I'll go with it

I'll follow, to wherever it may go

If no star shines above

I'll paint my own galaxy.

I tell myself,

Keep walking, until the path ends.

At the end, there will be a finish line.

I'll knock it down, I'll feel triumphant

I'll be sharing the love

I won't be somber anymore

but don't dream yet.

because the finish line is not here yet.

It's getting near, but only if I don't dream about it.